Who I'm voting for

Photo by Elliott Stallion

It's election week, but I go to a church with a Calvinist pastor, so every week is election week for us.

I'm joking (kind of). That's what I do when politics comes up: I make jokes until I can derail the conversation towards sports.

But we've got to talk about it — the elections are here.

I grew up in East Tennessee, which, given that my parents are not University professors, means I grew up Republican.

The first election I remember was in 1996: Bill Clinton vs. Bob Dole (and Ross Perot). In Mrs. Knowles's Kindergarten class, we had our own election—we voted for which drink we loved most: chocolate milk, regular milk, or apple juice.

We were Bob Dole people in my house. I didn't know who he was, but his name was on Bananas, and, according to my Dad, he was going to unseat that "basta— umm, loser Bill Clinton!” He wants to turn our country socialist by instituting universal healthcare (shudders).

We chanted Bob Dole during the assembly! We had Bob Dole stickers! We learned that Republicans were elephants and Democrats were jacka—donkeys!

The day after the election, Mrs. Knowles hung up the candidates pictures in order of who won: Bill Clinton was first, Bob Dole was second, and Ross Perot was third. Then she put our results below the corresponding candidate, a bottle for each picture. So there was "Bill Clinton" chocolate milk, "Bob Dole" Apple Juice, and "Ross Perot" milk.

And we had to pick which one we wanted.

On the table, on a red, white, and blue tablecloth, was a glass bottle of chocolate milk with Bill Clinton's face behind it. And I wanted the chocolate milk. But Bob Dole, my family; would I betray them? Would I bring everlasting shame on myself by drinking Democrat milk?

And worse, the apple juice was Mott's. It wasn't even Juicy Juice or Minute Maid. It was dam— dang Mott's!

Bob looked at me with shame. "Won't you drink this apple juice, son?" He was a World War Two veteran. He was wounded in battle. He took a bullet for his country and I couldn’t drink juice in his name?

And there was Bill, smiling through his Arkansas teeth. The brown liquid in that glass bottle was pristine. It might have been spinning with a spotlight on it as Bruce Springsteen played “Born in the USA.” And I could just take it as a gift from Bill, Hillary and Al Gore. I didn't even have to support universal healthcare (shudders).

I took it.

And I drank it.

And it was delicious, even with the chaser of shame.

I’ve never told my parents.

As I grew up, I voted for student government, I voted on field trips we would takem, I even voted on the name of our mascot in High School (“Waka Flocka” won, but the administration refused. A FRAUD LIKE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN!).

My first presidential election was in 2012, and I voted for Mitt Romney because Barrack Obama hated America and he wanted universal healthcare (shudders). Mitt didn't win, but I was a Tennessee Vols fan in 2012, so I went into things assuming my side would lose.

And then came 2016! I was living in Kansas City, and … you know those were hard times in Kansas City: Patrick Mahomes wasn't there yet! Can you believe that guy? He's already got three Super Bowl rings. Do you think he'll catch Brady?

Anyways, what were we talking about?