What's your allergy type?

Photo by freestocks on Unsplash

This article is not medically reviewed, has no scientific basis, and is generally unhelpful for anyone seeking genuine medical advice.*

Every spring, does pollen kick you in the face to the tune of a runny nose, itchy eyes, sneezing, wheezing, and not a bit of sleeping because your sinuses are swelled up like concrete?

You say, "It's fine. I can just mouth breathe and sleep." LOL, right.

We've got sleep types, learning styles, love languages, and even personality profiles that explain what happened to you in childhood and give you specific things to blame mom and dad for! What better way to build our personality than an online quiz? Right?

But did you know that your allergies also have a type? They do! And it’s based on the unique misery Spring brings into your life. And I'm here to help you figure out your type and someday sell my (un-scientifically verified) book.

Let’s get into the types:

The Bruce 

Bruce Matthews was a left guard for the Tennessee Titans. He played every position on the offensive line over a storied career because nothing gets past Bruce.

Do you lie down at night, pull that comforter over your shoulders, pop one foot out to cool yourself then feel your nose PFFFT shut? You're a Bruce! And nothing gets past Bruce.

Do you know what Bruce loves? Afrin nose spray: the magic spray that gets those nostrils open and moving. Yep, Bruce loves for people not to read that fine print where it says, "Only use for three days." Do you know what Bruce is doing in those three golden days of nostril clarity? He's in the weight room, watching the film, eating his Wheaties, and beating the daylights out of tackling dummies to come back stronger than ever!

Nothing gets past Bruce.

The Say It Ain't So 

Flip on the telly

Wrestle with Jimmy

Something is bubbling

If you recognize those lyrics from a song or because they're what's happening in your nose, Congratulations. You're a Weezer! Or, as the kids these days call it, The Say It Ain't So.

Allergy season goes full Top Gun and takes your breath away. 

You've tried Mucinex, but now you know you might as well wave a magic wand over your chest. Turns out there is a magic wand: it's called Vicks. 

The Chattanooga A-Choo Choo 

There you are, enjoying anonymity at a coffee shop. We all love our invisibility in public, the joy of not having to talk to people yet not be alone. But then, that feeling behind your nose. You try to "fuzzy watermelon, fuzzy watermelon" it away like in first grade but ...

HYAAAACHOOOOOO.

Now everyone is staring. But it's allergy season! It never stops at one! Here it co—

HYYACHOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Are we done? Are we done? NOPE!

HYYYAAAAACHOOOOOOIEEEE.

"Bless you." Says a stranger. The entire place is staring at you because of the loudness of your trigeminal kerfuffle. The only thing louder? A train going by a la you're a Chattanooga A-Choo Choo.

Keep a tissue handy. And please don't use a handkerchief, the world has moved on. We won World War 2, yet we were still blowing snot into rags and keeping them in our pockets.

The Red Eye 

It's no secret that airlines were invented to give the populace a common enemy. When we can't agree on politics, we can grunt to each other about sitting on the tarmac on a delayed American Airlines flight.

The airline's greatest invention of pure misery is the Red Eye flight. Watch the people getting off of one, and you'll see where they get their names.

But hold on. Perhaps that's not a red-eye flight at all. Maybe it's April, and it's a plane full of this type: The Red Eye!

This type just can't resist scratching, which they know will make the pain worse, but my goodness, this is torture. And the worst part is when it starts making a scratching sound. That's when you know a Red Eye has really reached its limit.

Are you a peace and quiet destroying Chattanooga Choo-Choo? Or maybe you're a Bruce and putting down that third bottle of Afrin. Now that you understand yourself, you can be just as miserable, but at least you have a name to identify your misery.

What did you want? Catharsis? This isn't psychology, where naming something has value. It's allergy season. There's no cure. 

Enjoy.

* Like most health articles online.**

** Would you like some aloe for that burn?