How to find a valentine

So you want to find a valentine. Like those beautiful dummies on the Bachelor and Bachelorette television programs, you’re “Ready to find love.” Yessir, like Johnny Lee you’ve been “Looking for love in all the wrong places.” Like Taylor Swift, you want your own “Love Story” that ends on the field at the Super Bowl kissing a large sweaty man who just sang “Viva Las Vegas” so off key, you questioned everything.

I’m here to help. Let’s turn that friend zone into a #marriedmybestfriend. Let’s turn that swipe left into a “Yes, yes, a thousand times yes.” Let’s give you someone to fight over something stupid, like a passing comment about their mother or a bed frame.

The wise are wise only because they love. The Fool are fools only because they think they can understand love. - Paulo Coelho. 

What does that even mean? Lol. Anyways, here’s the program: Why, What, Who?

Why should you do this?

I can’t tell you. But perhaps you’re just tired of being alone. Perhaps you want someone to have to spend more of your money to prove you love them. Perhaps you want to think far too long about the difference between the feeling of being in love, or if that’s just infatuation and beyond that, does this mean you can say, “I love you?” Do you refrain from saying it for 1 week, 1 month, 1 year? Or do you blurt it out after an elongated kiss when you drop them off after a pizza date, and you can’t decide if you love or hate that said elongated kiss tasted like portobello mushrooms.

What am I looking for?

I can’t tell you. But I’ll offer a few things from my experience.

The first thing you thought of, throw it out. That was probably formed by a really dumb movie where two hot people met when they were both late for a job interview and crashed into each other (or one of them was chasing a dog); they hated each other at first, then fell in love, broke up for a dumb reason, and then got back together for an even dumber reason.

Second, don’t look for someone smarter than you. If you do, you’ll lose that fight about the bed frame. Plus, the more intelligent someone is, the less likely they will get your jokes. My wife is smarter than I am, and it shows a lot. Don’t be like me.

Lastly, don’t look for someone prettier than you are. I can’t give you honest reasons for this. I can only offer experience: my wife is much more beautiful than I am. I’ll be at parties, and people will say to my wife, “You look so beautiful tonight,” and then hand me their jacket or order a drink. That gets old.

Now, the last question: Who? 

I can’t tell you. I don’t know your life. But usually, they show up where you least expect them, so maybe that’s my best advice: don’t expect anything. In fact, expect even less. Be the least expectant expector to ever exist. And don’t try to hack the system. Sometimes when you’re trying to not expect, you’re actually expecting. So you have to find a way to not expect in a way that isn’t expectant.

See? It’s easy. Good luck and Happy Valentine’s Day.